10 Ways To Get A Salesperson’s Attention At The New Hermes Store

1. Take pictures of whatever token merchandise is available to the naked eye, as if you are shopping for someone else, perhaps someone a bit chicer, who custom orders things like luxury accessories.

2. Never look for a price.

3. Never approach anyone who appears professional but is standing alone. To locate actual salesclerks, look for those congregating IN GROUPS by the floating display cases. The best sales reps are usually in deep discussion, only looking up for the express purpose of judging your choice of outerwear, or chuckling when you ask a fellow confused costumer if they work there.

4. Once you’ve identified the cluster of clergy who control the keys to the venerated cabinets, drawers and, should you dare to dream, “the back," do NOT, by any means, make eye contact with them.

5. Do not speak, unless directly spoken to. If you have any questions, well, then, you probably should have left by now.

6. Slowly rotate your $40,000 rare Gris Meyer Ostrich Birkin bag into view. Not aggressively, but coolly, casually, as if this old thing is digging into your slight wrist that’s already being weighed down by my--oh, did you notice?-- diamond encrusted Serpenti watch.

7. Coughing fit – keep at it and eventually security will ask you if you need water, and in time, in between quick gasps of breath, you can ask to see a scarf.

8. Have your driver come in and tell you if you don’t hurry it up, you’ll miss your reservation at Polo.

9. Come back with your relaxed, distinguished, older husband who checks his Rolex frequently but seems generally unperturbed by time.

10. When all else fails, boldly approach the most bored of the many employees now actively ignoring you, and look ‘em dead in the eye. Ask him/her/they to show you a Kelly En Desordre in gold epsom leather with gold hardware, pause and then say, “Never mind, I’ll get it in Paris.”