ABOUT LAST NIGHT...

Dear Mom,

Look, I’m sorry. Last night didn’t go the way I thought it would. I swear, I meant no harm… I promise it won't happen again.

It’s just that — can we do something about that noise?!! No, no, not the groaning garbage trucks or the sputtering sirens. A kid gets used to that sorta thing. But the

tiny-carousel you placed directly over my crib? Is this an amusement park or a place of rest? Can you please decide?! Brahms' lullaby is nice enough, but I mean, ALL night? Would YOU want to sleep on the inside of a jewelry box? Make. It. Stop.

And the creeping, sluggish rotations of rising sheep and falling stars —the room was spinning-- I was dizzy -- it’s enough to make you want to throw up —

Which, by the way, I am really sorry I did!!! My bad!!

I think I drank too much. Or it was a bad batch of formula. Maybe I should've had some solids. I’m still trying to figure all this stuff out, give me time…

Or — could I be allergic to milk? We should probably get that tested. Think maybe I’m allergic to cotton too— that’s why I needed to rip off the fresh onesie you valiantly wrangled me into post-puke. And puke again on the brand-new lace bumper. We should look into that.

And sorry to have to say this, mom, but why the mixed messages? They keep me up at night!

Like yesterday morning, when Grammy was visiting, and I said “hat” and pointed toward my head, you said “Oh!! He’s such a genius!! Always making connections!!”

But, then, later, when she went home and Jose the doorman visited, and you went to fix yourselves drinks before changing the lightbulb in your bedroom for an hour, you told him “Oh, he’s just a baby. He knows nothing…”

It’s perplexing! I get confused! I get irritable!!

And then I can’t sleep! I’m rolling, tossing, turning, burping, counting, singing, laughing, farting… Maybe I have ADHD!! We should look into that.

But, I’m sorry!! Sorry about the earache too. It’s so weird how it just went away! Like that! It was THE MOST EXCRUCIATING PAIN OF MY LIFE (other than that time my pinky got snapped in the stroller, or that time the edge of my hip grazed the glass coffee table...). And it passed! The pain!! It was there, and then it was gone!! Hello/Goodbye! Opposites!

And SO sorry again about your cell phone!! I know barely a second had passed when you went to change the overflowing diaper genie yet again, but I’m really, really drawn to shiny objects! It’s a sign of healthy development!! I swear I didn’t mean to call your boss!! I just swiped again and again and… BAM! He sounded mad.

But thanks, mommy, for being there. You look tired. Are you getting enough rest?

Sorry again about last night. I swear it wont happen again.