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  • Tara R.


  1. When someone texts you with a well-formed question, respond with a simple Y or N. You can’t be bothered wasting precious nanoseconds typing a two or three letter word when you have nonstop meetings, double spin, endless social commitments, and the meanest cupcakes at the middle school bakesale. There are only so many milliseconds in a day. Same goes for TY (Thank You) and YW (You're Welcome.) And NP (No Problem)…it’s really not MP, it’s YP.

  2. There should be a minimum of 5 suggested dates that DO NOT work when trying to figure out a plan for a get-together. This is only a suggested amount — it may be 7 or 10 for you; every very busy person is different. Throwaways such as “things are cray!” and “it’s such a busy time of year!” don’t mean anything if you don’t have the unavailability to back it up. If this goes on too long, you must always be the one to say “let’s try again in the fall, or after break…” as this trying to make plans is taking way too much time away from your busy life of plans and plan-making.

  3. If you are attempting to make a plan with a larger group, ignore all suggested dates until the group comes to a consensus on an agreeable date, and then apply step 2 outlined above.

  4. When someone comments on your recent Insta post of your little Zachy looking “SOOO cute!” in his new winter puffer, do NOT “like” it before said commenter has had time to fully depress the send button. Make sure you have taken at least four or five full breaths before return-liking someone’s like of your post. You have other adorable memories to create.

  5. If there is the slightest disconnect in your mind about an incoming text, do NOT stress. It’s not your problem — YOU are busy, and they lack good communication skills. A simple “?” will indicate that you have no effing clue what they mean, and that a better explanation is necessary — one that will require them to apologize, make clear what they meant, and elucidate what it is they really mean. This could take them minutes. They now have endless busywork for your benefit, but damn, you are just BUSY. A simple response of “Ah” should suffice.

  6. Do not use punctuation and/or correct usage of capitalization. That’s for people with WAY too much time on their hands. Like the person on the receiving end of your text, who has AMPLE time to figure out where your sentences end and new ones begin, and to decipher the various different interpretations of them. Why do you even associate with such losers?

  7. Always use kk instead of ok, when responding in the affirmative to pick-up plans . It took me .3 seconds to type the former, and about .35 seconds to type the latter. You do NOT want to be seen with that kind of time on your hands. That can only lead to more requests for PTA involvement or neighborhood watch duty —- and it takes about an actual half a second to type NFW. Got that kind of time?

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