The Seven Stages of Jean Shopping: Denial, Resignation, Optimism, Confusion, Bewilderment, Despair, Surrender
You will faithfully wear your old jeans until they are virtually shapeless. Your thumbs will ache from indelicately and overzealously tugging them up from the rear. You may finally cave in and wash them, when they subsequently shrink so much that you mistake them for your 9 year old daughter’s, and put them away in her closet. You are strong — you will find a way to wrangle yourself into them without suffocation. This cycle will repeat. This is all normal. This may last for weeks.
Futility sets in -- all denim in your possession is either so stretched out, or conversely, so starchy/crunchy/repulsive to the touch, that they are beyond redemption. You have made peace with your new size or outdated wardrobe. And you can’t wear Lulu all day, every day.
It’s time for new jeans! Retail therapy will be fun! Nothing like a little shopping binge to boost your seasonal serotonin! You may grab a smoothie and think you can get this done on your lunch break. You have an hour! This isn’t advanced calculus after all. You will likely have a spring in your step, and notice how the ground floor winter-wonderland display at Saks is resplendent! You may coyly stop to sample the new fall eye-palettes, and amble over to the escalators…
As you get off on the 5th floor, the floodgates of emotion may open. Do not be alarmed! This may be the hardest phase of your journey.
What is it you really want?
Skinny? Super skinny? Leggings? Slims? Stilettos? Can you really pull that off?
Full length, ankle, or cropped? Cuffed? Split-hem? Frayed?
In truth, you're probably more of a wide-legged kind of girl. But maybe it's time for a bootlegged, straight-leg or cigarette silhouette?
At this point, you may feel lost; you’re in uncharted territory. You may start to feel nostalgic. Which will beg the question: Bells-bottoms? Kicks? Flares? Ruffles or flounces?
Mid rise? Low rise? High rise? Cinch-waist?
Faded or vintage? Medium or dark-rinse? Distressed or destroyed?
There are endless questions that will come up in this phase, and you will need to self-reflect.
Remember to breathe. In, not out, that is.
Your salesperson may cavalierly mention that they are having a promotion. It’s 40 percent off! Well, actually, it starts Thursday but they can pre-sale now if you pick them up on Friday between 10:01 and 10:07 am. Or you can take them now for triple points, if you spend five hundred dollars. Or earn a cash back gift card! You just need to bring the receipt to the 8th floor to get stamped and pick up your card. The line shouldn’t be more than an hour if you hurry.
You may realize that there are jeans strewn across your dressing room floor, and that you have begun to get disoriented. You may realize that the one pair that didn’t ride up, down, or sideways on you were actually in the wrong pile, and have been put back. Do not panic! You can quickly go grab the same pair from the rack… whenever you remember which ones they were. You will not never see them again.
You may hear that Lululemon is having a winter sale. That may be tempting; do not give in. You are not alone. There is denim out there for everyone.