1. Happy Hanukkah! We light this menorah to commemorate the rededication of the Temple in Jerusalem thousands of years ago, and to symbolize the lamp that miraclously burned for 8 days. Time to celebrate! I have presents for everyone! But first, we sing! Mo’az Tzur…! Dreidels all around!! Now, who wants some latkes?
2. Happy Hanukkah! We light this menorah to celebrate the second night of this festival of lights. Ok, let’s do this sorta quick, guys. I know the Gotham tennis bus got stuck on the FDR, but you still have homework to do. God wants you to do your assigned reading.
3. Happy Hanukkah! Crap, where did I put those matches? Teddy, did you take them? I swear to God, I am checking your backpack later, and you’d better not tell me your were swiping them "for a friend." Ok, troops, let’s take this into the kitchen so I can precariously use the stove to set a piece of paper aflame and get this going. Babe, do we have a fire extinguisher?
4. Happy Hanukkah! It’s hump-day — and we are short a few presents tonight, so here’s some gelt. I mean, do you think I’m running a factory? Do you see any elves around here? Forget it — you’re all getting spoiled anyway. Enjoy the chocolate! Consider it a gift that I’m letting you spoil your appetite.
5. Happy Hanukkah! On this fifth night of Hanukkah, you may notice a slight scent in the air, and that we are a few candles shy of a perfect six. Hence, I am using this gorgeous orange-vanilla Fleur de Lis perfumed candle as the shamash. (Sidenote: We are also commemorating the last time your father bought me a Hanukkah gift!) You’d think they’d give you enough candles per box, but somehow they do not. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I haven’t purchased candles since 2011, and that Amazon Prime seems to have a little holiday bias.
6. Happy Hanukkah! And now, finally, a gift for me — moms' night out! Gotta go. My gift to you: 5 extra minutes of TV time.
7. Happy Hanukkah! I had a busy day and we are seriously straight outta candles. You may have noticed this makeshift menorah that I have lovingly constructed out of a wedge of melon and errant birthday candles that I found crushed into the back of the candy drawer. It may seem sacrilegious, but I think I’m sort of a genius! After all, isn’t the spirit of the holiday about making do with what you have? Repeat after me: My mother is a miracle worker.
8. Happy Hanukkah! We did it! On this last night of Hanukkah, we rejoice in the conclusion of the festival of lights. You have now been fortified with everything your heart could desire, and can soon all go back to ignoring me unless you need something new. Tonight, we will be using a gorgeous, state-of-the-art electric menorah. But, let’s make it snappy because this is a "loaner" from the lobby, and we need to get it back before they realize I took it.