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  • Tara R.

WAKE ME WHEN IT'S APRIL...


New Yorkers like to brag about their seasons, but really, we all know that the dead of winter in the Big Apple is one big, cold, gray bucket of suck! If you find yourself trolling Zillow at 3 am, on the prowl for square footage just about anyplace other than NYC, back away from the computer; we are now in what's known as the home-stretch! But, thinking of setting your alarm-clock for mid-April? Go right ahead. Here's why:

1. Six Degrees Of Strep

At any given moment, someone you know knows someone who knows someone who has strep. Undeniably. Which means that you’re always ten minutes away from receiving a phone call (or worse yet, having to make the phone call) that Jonny who played with Ben who played with Eric who played with your son Max two days ago (breathe...) now has strep. This is an inescapable reality; it doesn’t matter who you are, if you live in any of the five boroughs, you’re connected. These confessions can be wildly anxiety producing for everyone involved. Feel your throat constricting? You should probably get tested too.

2. Snow Days Are For Sadists

Snow days sure seem fun in far off places. Snowball fights and stick-writing words in the pristine sheet of white that has fallen overnight.

But…when the 4 am call comes-a-knockin' in NYC, dreadful moms across town are springing into a very different kind of action — aka the mad-playdate-scramble. With nary a back door to open so that your kids can explore and romp in the snow, these days become a calculated chess game of with whom your kid can play, for how long, and most importantly, where.

Who amongst us is brave enough to host the kids, and let the full anarchy of rainbow-caking, slime-making, nerve-shaking mayhem descend upon her home? X-box may buy you an hour, but, then, brace yourself. We have goop-approved marshmallow face-masks to mix, science-experiments to concoct, cakes to slather in icing, and musical-y videos that will require wildly careening from sofa to sofa. As a break, let’s give each other makeovers on the white carpet with the yellow eye shadow from Claire’s that could alternately be used to line highways. Wait… what?! Was I just looted? Why is there nothing left in my cupboards?

3. Sloppy Seconds

Forty minutes ago, it was a winter wonderland. Now it’s a sludgy olympian obstacle course. That murky puddle between you and the crosswalk? Could be three inches, could be three feet. You can play it coy and wait for some other schmo to give it a go, but, at some point, you’re gonna have to channel your inner Jason Bourne, and like a badass hurling himself between two skyscrapers, take the leap. If you fall, you might break your neck, but more likely you’ll just be wet, and nestled in some grimy heaps of dog pee-soaked snow, so that’s cool.

4. Everybody Hurts…

Thank god for emoji madness because those are literally the only happy faces you’ll be seeing all winter. Everybody is always pissed off. And it’s not anyone’s fault! Vitamin D deficiency is real. It’s that endless time of year when you could go three weeks without seeing an actual color, when all the city billboards are still flaunting The Rockettes which closed two months ago, or of something else amazing... that opens in April. Everywhere you turn, you see gunk-ed up cabs that have simply given up, or unmarked white vans double parked for undefined purposes. Not exactly a bluebird sitting on your shoulder.

5. "Can I Take Your Coat? …. And your Shoes?”

For the love of god, these shoes are literally holding me together right now. They are my foundation, my anchor, my armor. Please don’t make me take them off or I may just spill onto your floor like an over-xanaxed Gumby doll.

Scenario A: You pretend like it’s no big thing, and you just want your guests to feel at home, but you know that strangers standing around in socks are just plain awkward. And in the dead of winter, it's a royal pain in the ass. When the new piano teachers arrives with a pep in her step— but then has to hug the wall while she yanks off her wet boots, trying to free herself from its jaws-of-life clutch on her heel with any modicum of dignity, she's gonna bristle. She just suited up to face the world, wrangled herself into the boots to begin with, and now has to take them on and off 7 times a day?! There goes one happy, hippy-dippy music teacher who has now joined the ranks of the seasonally-yet-perpetually pissed off. Another one bites the dust.

Scenario B: You don’t want to be the class mom who hosts the shoes-off cocktail party, but you are. Weird things can happen when there’s rows of spiky louboutins by the front door, and two dozen suddenly-diminished, stocking-heeled women slipping and sliding around your foyer while they eagerly sip their ginger margaritas. If you are truly that germaphobic, maybe it’s time to get a backyard.

6. Open-Toe Shoes Are Not Up For Discussion

Men, take heart. Heed my advice and heed it well. It may be negative four degrees out, it may be treacherously hailing, it may be just about armageddon, but abstain from commenting on your lady’s choice of shoe. I repeat, shut the f-ck up!! We know it, we don’t want to hear it, you don’t have anything positive to contribute to this. Trust me. The heart wants what it wants.

7. Taxi!

You will take a cab four blocks because you heard there’s black ice, and because you just cant take it anymore, and it will cost 8 dollars. You’ll think your eyes are deceiving you. How could the meter possibly read 8 dollars when you’ve only gone from 81st to 85th street? Or maybe you just can’t see clearly because all of the contact solution in your bathroom cabinet has been pilfered by your kids to make 8 batches of glitter slime, and your eyes are as dry as the Arizona desert, which is trending right now on Trulia, by the way.

8. All I Want For X-Mas Is A Good Coat

There’s nothing like looking super cute and then realizing you are the only person who saw yourself unsheathed all day. You get zero credit for your ruffled knits or bell-sleeves when you’re parka-padded or swaddled in fur from dusk to dawn. You'll eventually throw in the towel and just wear your pajamas under your nice coat on days you know it's safe. Grandma always gave the best advice: when it comes to good coats and good friends, choose wisely and always go with quality over quantity. Take heart, you'll soon be able to shed your trusted outerwear-- and, really, nothing says F-you winter like some new off-the-shoulders.

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