As one of my most valued visitors and callers, it is with great pleasure that I am offering you, my mishpocheh, this special promotion! For the first time ever, my advice - unedited and unfiltered -- will be available to my most beloved for the unbelievable, one-time-only price of two little noshes per month (in a fine dining establishment, of course.) Transportation to and from my condominium unit must be provided. I am offering this special friends and family promotion to blood and non-blood alike, as demand has been high in my community for my words, and for what good reason was I put on this earth if not to help those that I love most and who bring me nachas? This is not a scam! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! There’s nothing too embarrassing or difficult; tell me what’s causing you tsuris, and I will tell you how to fix it, or do it better. This is my promise. My expertise all for the cost of a dinner roll and broiled fish.
There is no obligation to follow my advice. (If you want to screw up your life, that’s your prerogative; I wish you well.) But you must sit up and listen -- without interruption, audible groaning or rising angrily from the table. These are my terms, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask. There are no refunds. All it will cost you is a little nibble. (Preferably someplace with a buffet and wheelchair access, but I’m not picky. As long as I am served by 4:45 pm, I shouldn't get light-headed. But I do not care to dine at that rattrap with the schmutz on the flatware and the servers who wear jean shorts.)
And wait, there’s more!!! For the special price of an additional trip to the yogurt place, you can have access to my unlimited opinions. That’s right. All of my opinions can be yours for a mini-cup of vanilla swirl. These can include my movie preferences, political proclivities, favorite morning shows, doctors who belong in the sh-thouse, and why anything below 2 karats belongs on someone else’s finger. Individually, these kernels of knowledge have been valued at “there’s not enough money in the world”, but they can be yours, all of them, for a mere soft serve and a “thank you.”
Limited-time bonus offer! If you act now, you can even have a one-time special access to my personal preferences – things like how I like my eggs, why I don’t trust housekeepers from the Islands, and how I think you should part your hair. This is my extra gift to you ---at no extra cost. It’s 100 percent free!! Don’t be a putz – you think a bargain like this comes along every day?!
If you are a long-distant relation, I understand the schlep, but you shouldn't be denied access just because you choose to live far away. This can all be yours for the small price of three phone calls a day to help me with the world wide web and other such transistors.
Act now! Call me (but only from a real phone, identify yourself immediately, and let it ring at least 12 times – do I look like Chrissy Evert?) or email me back at firstname.lastname@example.org, clearly stating NOT THE SWEEPSTAKES