THE TOP TWELVE THINGS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD EVERY TIME YOU’RE AT THE NAIL PLACE
1. A five minute wait? Sure, that seems reasonable even though there's a dozen people already waiting and two "finishing up…"
2. Thanks, I don’t need to “pick a color.” I'm good. I know what I like.
3. (30 seconds later) Omg, there are SOOOO many pretty colors. Ok, I know it’s just a display… but, damnit, if I don’t feel like a princess surrounded by 72 glossy shades of pink?! Why am I always so boring? Pigment is everything.
4. Do people actually get paid to make up names for nail polish? Can you say job envy? Not sure why Recessionista is a deep berry and Size Matters is more coral, but it just works. A rose by any other name than Flusher Blusher would simply not smell as sweet.
5. She totally wont mind that I’m asking her to try out 5 different shades of cuticle-staining red. After all, they are making me clinically insane with this color-wheel wall of choices! And, they are making me wait half an hour—- wait, what? You’re ready for me? How do they do that?!
6. Are those tools from the toaster really sterilized? Do I even know what shape my nails are? Should I really be submerging my feet in this condom-sheathed basin of water? Oh, it’s warm, that’s nice, ahhhhh….
7. Are those people talking about Larry’s irritable bowels and Sheila’s cheating husband aware that everyone can hear their conversation?
8. Oh, no, please not the 30-second tease massage. I’m uneasy with rejection. I swear, it’s not you, it’s me!
9. Aww, look at that adorable little girl getting her nails done. That’s just too cute. I mean, I think it's cute? Actually, maybe it’s a little bit creepy. Why is everyone pandering to her like she’s Queen Elizabeth? Hasn’t she ever heard of a playground?
10. Damn it! I shouldn't have checked my phone. My screen is so oily now I could fry an egg on it. I can’t even read these damn texts anymore.
11. She totally won’t mind when I ask her to redo these three smudged fingers. Answering my kids' face-time call from the school bus was worth it. It could have been an emergency.
12. I don’t really need quick dry, do I? I mean, I feel like it's just assumed that I'll get it; like everyone-who’s-anyone is doing it. Seems like a scam to charge me an extra two dollars for a hasty little drop of air that may not even hit my nail. But that dryer is a germ pit.