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High: My kids want to hang out with me every night! They are all in one place! They are not on their phones! They said thank you!!

Low: I did NOT get him a better gift than you! No, you can't return it! A gift card is too a gift!!

Latkes and Jelly Donuts

High: So yummy and festive! My house smells like a midday IHOP, but in a good way!

Low: I literally just consumed my daily caloric needs through 2022 in one sitting. Is it true that one latke has more fat grams than a bucket of fries? Will need more than a miracle to stave off a trip to Ignacio and possibly a heart attack.


High: I see endless hours of fun and carousing! The Jewish hula hoop! These are cheap! My kids know Hebrew!

Low: Motherforker! These 3-D mini-fidgets spinners are incredibly painful to step on! But I don't feel "right" throwing them in the trash. Hey, did you just scratch my floor?!!


High: Who needs a tree?! This is perfectly beautiful and I can just take it out of the closet and save the environment.

Low: Sure, we can use this precariously-designed ceramic menorah you made in pre-school. That seems perfectly safe. Has wax been sitting in here for a decade?! How does my daughter know how use a lighter?! Ok, I have stuff to do and can't really leave a sea of flames in the middle of my living room -- am I going to hell if I blow out my Hanukkah candles? Is it blasphemy to put a menorah in the sink?


High: Yay! First free pass to binge on candy since Halloween!

Low: Is there a force field around this gold net, or am I just getting old? Damn, that foil edge is sharp! Isn't this for children? Ugh, it tastes like chalk. And I bought it at ELI'S.


More Presents

High: Yes!! You can buy gifts off Amazon Prime Now. If it's slapped in wrapping paper, you're good to go.

Low: Watch what you're doing!! Get that damn wrapping paper away from the menorah! Do we even own a fire extinguisher?

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