DAILY ITINERARY OF A PERI-MENOPAUSAL WOMAN ON HER YOUNGEST CHILD’S BIRTHDAY
6:30 am At the apex of your dream involving yourself, Mark Consuelos, and a water bed, arouse to a dart-like finger jabbing into your abdomen, and the five-alarm squeal of “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!” Snap to with a cool shiver as you realize you have night-sweated your way through your jammies, sheets, and yesterday’s blowout.
6:32 am. Wish your daughter a Happy Birthday and tell her that her special chocolate chip pancakes will be ready in 10 mins!
6:35 am Strip off your sopping skivvies and eagerly hop on the scale. You must have sweat off at least three pounds of water weight, you hot bey-atch!!
6:36 am Curse the gods. You’ve gained a pound.
6:40 am March into the kitchen and, like an excitable detective, follow the trail of crumbs from the fridge to the gnarled piece of cold pizza on the counter. Prepare to go ballistic on your children, but then vaguely recall that maybe it was you who devoured leftover Farinella's at 3 am. Resolve never to have that third glass of wine again.
7:00 am. Present your daughter with pancakes shaped like something that vaguely resembles the number 8, or Chris Christie. Watch her dig in with abandon, and relish every second with your baby who is growing up way too fast. Pick at the errant chocolate chips on her plate as you guys go down memory lane, and then doze off for a few minutes as the sugar crash hits.
7:25 am Awaken with the thought that maybe an atom bomb has detonated inside your happy home. Help the kids assemble backpacks while trying not to trip over the 12 rejected, inside-out outfits strewn about the floor like it’s the dressing room at Loehman’s during friends and family. A familiar pinky prods your abdomen. “Mom! Mom! Mom! Where’s my other cropped blue sweatshirt?!”
7:30 am Usher your kids out the door, and smile at the adorableness of their little backsides as they board the bus. Lock eyes with the driver and bristle at his deadpan nod. Deduce that if you looked like Kelly Ripa, he’d smile back. Toss your cheerio-matted hair over your shoulder like a slow-mo Pantene ad, because who the f-ck needs him anyway. Wrench your back and pee in your pants, but just a little.
8: 00 am Finish your third cup of coffee and feel the sudden need to draw the blinds as a dense, nauseating headache descends upon you like an army of white walkers invaded your brain. Cobble to your bedroom and turn the AC to 54 degrees.
8:02 am Hurl obscenities at your unsuspecting husband as you discover there’s only one damn advil left in the bottle.
1:00 pm Shop for high-waisted, compression athleisure-wear online while waiting for your 25 ingredient “just salad.” Fan yourself with a take-out menu that’s no match for the fiery sweat beads unfurling on your upper lip.
1:15 pm Reach down to release a button on your new white blouse and wince at the purple sprinkling of balsamic vinegar that’s never coming out. Take 5 deep breaths — in and out, in and … screw this. Ranch doesn’t splatter.
2:00 pm Wrap bday presents while humming Big Yellow Taxi. Give yourself a papercut and break into tears.
4:00 pm Chuck E. Cheese time! Binge-play Whack-a-Mole and revel in the fact that here at Chuck E. Cheese you can unabashedly wear sleeveless and let your bingo wings fly. Take your loot and redeem for a plastic toy fan; relish the meek chill like it’s a gift from the heavens.
4:15 pm Spend 30 excruciating minutes untangling the lifeless toy fan from your daughter’s best friend’s corkscrew tresses. Use a plastic butter knife to free the last stubborn chunk while she cries that she’ll never go to Prom now.
5:00 pm Migraine number 2!
8:00 pm Thank your husband for getting the kids to bed, while you lie in the dark with a cool compress over your eyes and imagine that if you looked like Kelly Ripa, he might rub your feet.
1:10 am Pop awake with an adrenaline rush you haven’t felt since mile 22 of the marathon you ran in 1996. Fill your amazon cart with 12 sizes of new sneakers for your kids, and 12 boxes of diet protein bars with names like Chocolate Truffle Bliss and Pecan Pie Paradise.
2: 00 am Finish perusing the burst of pictures the creepy guy in the mouse costume took of your gorgeous family as your baby girl blew out her birthday candles. Smile wistfully at your incredible fortune. Select the photo taken from the highest angle and post about your very special day.