ALL HAIL THE RETURN OF COAT SEASON

Sad as I am to admit it, all good seasons must come to an end. For me, tearfully, that means blouse season. “Sweata-weatha” is here – and despite less fussing, buttoning and half-tucking, getting dressed is just not as much fun! In fact, all you really need is one good coat. Sounds easy enough. But, then again, things are rarely as easy as they sound…

Coat Casualties. Coat hooks are for cubbies and for communists. Never before have I walked into a bustling coffee shop where a Moncler-a-Moncler hanging system seemed okay. I prefer to keep my coat close. On a good day, that means misshapenly hanging it off of the back of my seat where it's slowly crushed under the weight of my own body. On all other days, that means it ends up on the floor -- in a trampled heap of Canada Goose, Three Guys crumbs, and best intentions.

Coat-Surfing. The colder it gets, the puffier the your jacket grows, and conversely, your apartment shrinks. When company arrives, it's a friendly, frenetic free-for-all... ending with a mass of coats splayed across the foyer bench like a war-torn battlefield, or the “during” of a Bogner sample sale. Nothing has value in a sea this vast, so you gotta just throw all caution to the wind, i.e. your coat in the pile, and hope for the best.

Coat Keepsakes. Yes, there’s the chance that you might find a twenty dollar bill deep down in that pocket of last year’s pea coat, but probably not. More likely, you are finding rusty pennies mixed with tissue wads and waxy tootsie roll wrappers from years yonder. Your kids have even cooler curiosities tucked up their sleeves. Lollipop sticks, dog-tags, balled-up band-aids, half a pen, the occasional tooth, and other small, possibly stolen, items of wonder. Cozy!

Cold and Coatless. If I am traveling someplace warm, I fool myself into believing my current climate doesn’t exist. “Can I take your coat?” doesn’t happen in coach -- and carrying multiple puffers through airport security while managing 4 iPads twisted up with 4 headphones, testy crowds and cranky kids, is high up on my list of ways to make yourself stay home. If we are flying mid-February, you are freezing on both legs of the trip. It’s that simple!

Coat Coma. We’ve all been there. Whether it’s the theater or a parent teacher conference, you rationalize. You aren’t staying long, there’s no place to put your coat, so why even bother taking off the damn thing? But then time creeps on, and your temperature creeps up, and you start to sweat but you’re locked in now, and before you know it, you’re fighting back gargantuan yawns and then you…are…out cold, like a stuffed Grizzly after a fall feeding frenzy.

Coat Clones. It’s happened more than once. You leave the house in one coat, and you come home in another. Somewhere along the way there was a swap – most likely in the Valery Joseph coat room, but maybe it was at Spin. You may not even realize it for a few hours, days, or even months, but when you do, it’s an oddly violating sensation. I’m the same size as HER?! Is this coat a knockoff? Is mine?! Did I toss my ATM receipt?