CORONAWORRY

This post is brought to you on a break from our regular scheduled programming – googling “can NYC be quarantined?” and searching the web for hand sanitizer from a minimum three-star third party dealer.

While the coronavirus is most certainly not something to laugh at, there's always a little humor in how we handle the surrounding stress.

A few tips to get you through…

(warning: this may contain graphic material unsuitable for people who have not yet received at least three UPS packages since 9 am…)

Retrofit your shelves…

You may think that city peeps, who are thin on storage, would also have meager stockpiles, but you would be wrong. What we lack in space, we make up for with an incredible ability to move things around and stash crap away. Now is the time to think of your apartment as one big supermarket shopping bag and strategically fill it to the gills; you need to squeeze in all of your supplies like a 3-D game of Tetris. Embrace the real athleticism involved in piling up 42 bags of lentils and 36 cans of Chef Boyardee, in 12 inch deep cupboards no less. Who needs the gym? So germy.

Brush up on your math…

When you buy a product on Amazon, it usually comes in a pack of 12 -- so if you order 4 boxes of nitrile gloves, in 3 sizes, you will indeed get 144 boxes of gloves. Times 200 = 28,800 gloves. Still, offer none to your neighbor, who’s lack of Fresh Direct and Walmart boxes has you worried about her family’s future; they clearly don’t know how to prepare for the worst. I mean, if they didn’t google “pandemic,” did they even really apply to a safety school?

Rethink your consignments…

You’ve been wondering for months if you should consign your royal blue Evelyn purse. You never really wear it anymore anyway. Leave your bags at peace and realize that you can make significantly more money if you stuff old pillowcases with small bottles of purell and zinc lozenges.

Learn to prioritize…

Thanks, Marie Kondo. Thanks a lot. Those crusty, pre-packaged alcohol swabs from 1996? They sure would be bringing me immense feelings of joy right about now. You were cruel; you said they were garbage. In fact, if my order from Walmart doesn’t get cancelled due lack of stock for a third time, then I’m putting them on my nightstand, right next to where your book used to be.

Soften your standards…

Look, I know you’re discerning. I know Guava-scented hand-sanitizer isn’t your first choice. I know Orange Blossom Clorox Wipes would not be in your shopping cart under different circumstances. No one is judging; the end justifies the means. Guess what? Artic Blast isn’t my favorite flavor of Gatorade either. But, hey, you get what you get, and you don’t get upset. We are all friends in this together—I may not share my Cold-Eeze with anyone but family, but I certainly won’t pooh-pooh the brand you found online that purports to do the exact same thing.

But seriously, Coronaworry is real; you are not alone. The unknown is scary, and we crave peace of mind. Do whatever it is you need to do -- in between refreshing your many open news channel sites. And, remember to wash your hands for at least 20 seconds! Stay safe!