PANDEMIC NEVER HAVE I EVER…

Never have I ever…

…thrown out my store-bought sliced melon because I suddenly wondered who cut it.

Never have I ever…

…had the thought that I might indeed be a saint, while graciously waving through a deer-in-headlights driver attempting a left onto 27.

Never have I ever…

…pretended to be enjoying myself while briskly walking through a restaurant, questioning my beguiling decision to venture out because, like, is this really worth it?

Never have I ever...

…worn skinny jeans and flats and not cared one iota if I can get away with it.

Never have I ever…

…avoided making eye contact with my UPS driver. (He knows way more about me than any one person should.)

Never have I ever…

…ordered “wishing thinking” clothes.

Never have I ever…

…noticed a panicky feeling in my stomach when my fuel gauge falls to half-empty.

Never have I ever…

…felt zero remorse for not holding the door open for a gaggle of teenagers behind me at Stony Clover.

Never have I ever…

…felt painstaking remorse when I carelessly let the door shut on any person who appears older than me.

Never have I ever…

…envisioned judgement day when asked if I’d like to leave a tip on a take-out order.

Never have I ever…

…gestured triumphantly as I snatch victory from the jaws of defeat and finally get through to Sen on a Sunday night.

Never have I ever…

…been that a-hole arguing with the hostess because it takes 4 hours to get a toro roll.

Never have I ever…

…wistfully remembered the days when having a “good” or “bad” pod just referred to the damn Keurig.

Never have I ever…

…told my kids they can eat in their rooms because I don’t want them messing up my kitchen.

Never have I ever…

…told my children that the bug was on the outside of the window.

And never have I ever…

…told you that you can use my bathroom with breezy nonchalance, and then fumigated like you just stumbled out of a two-day kegger in the Ozarks. Never.