PARENTS' BACK-TO-SCHOOL SCHEDULE

1st period - Math

Please compute the average temperature from 6 readings for 3 kids (minus the 2 readings that you took on yourself just to make sure the thermometer was working.) Calculate the probability that the mask stuffed in your back pocket, that you threw on to run your kids down to school, was new, or new-ish enough, to not cause you any harm.

2nd period – History

Over coffee with a friend, peruse pictures from last month, noting how young and tan you look. Or, are those from last week? Has it only been a week? What's a week?

3rd period - Geography

Walk ten blocks south, while inhaling the crisp fall scent of breathable polyester. When you lose your bearings from looking down to avoid eye contact, remember, there’s no law against using the Waze app while on foot. (Bonus: it will make you look a little cray-cray, which is good...)

4th period - Technology

Scan the barcode in the middle of your table. Peruse the menu by magnifying the font till it’s gargantuan. Check a few texts on the sly. Order a few things for the table, and then remember to stay alert as you do NOT want to be the last one to get in on the French fries.

LUNCH Any parents who order salad, with dressing on the side, will be recognized for their inspiring optimism, and may automatically be made “class mom.”

5th period - Science

For this subject, please take out a large, blank notebook. Class dismissed.

6th period - English

Two words: Reading log. Short stories are allowed, but not those that contain images of a Birthday “Queen” - or new dog.

7th period – Health

This year, out of an abundance of caution, we are suspending any wellness programming that might interfere with your drinking. All health inquiries should be directed to your nearest liquor store. Which leads us right into…

SNACK

8th period - Phys Ed

When your Peleton finally arrives, punch the wall 6 times when you realize it doesn’t come with shoes.

9th period – Elective

Choose between pacing, climbing the walls, beating a dead horse, or running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

10th period – Chorus

Sopranos: powerfully, yet silently, scream into the abyss. Altos: From the abyss, scream back. In your head, of course.