Search
  • Tara R.

I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING...


SASHA, AMY and MARA, in position, perusing their menus.

SASHA

Hmmmm... I’m kind of in the mood for steak... Does anyone want to split it with me?

AMY

Yes! I do! Medium? But I’m also in the mood for a pasta...

SASHA

Same! Should we split the steak and a carbonara?

AMY

Yes! But, I think I need some greens...

SASHA

Ok, we can split the arugula salad to start? And then the steak and pasta?

AMY

Done! Yes!

Sasha and Amy exchange excited glances while Mara sits there, stunned.

MARA

Are you kidding me? What if I want steak too?

SASHA

Do you want steak?

MARA

Irrelevant...

AMY

We can totally order two for three.

MARA

It’s okay -- I don’t want steak.

SASHA

Then what's your point?

MARA

You can’t just call dibs on sharing when there’s three people at a table. I feel abandoned.

SASHA

But you hate sharing...

MARA

I hate sharing when it’s just the two of us because you’re a fast eater -- and everyone knows that fast eaters are the worst people to go splitsies with.

SASHA

So you're saying I'm a food hog?

MARA

I'm saying that we are 3 people, and you guys just forged ahead with an eating alliance, as if I wasn’t sitting right here...

AMY

Aren’t you a vegetarian?

MARA

It’s ordering exclusion! It’s not right!

SASHA

Don't be so dramatic. We are happy to split three ways.

MARA

Thanks, but I don't need a pity order. I'm a big girl - I can order for one.

A masked waiter approaches the table.

WAITER

Ladies, what can I get you?

Mara looks earnestly at the waiter.

MARA

Can I ask you a question? Do you want us to put on our masks?

The waiter is taken aback.

MARA

I mean, we seem sorta haughty sitting here without our masks. Like, shouldn’t WE be wearing our masks when talking to you, if YOU need to wear one when talking to us? It's an uneven distribution of responsibility.

WAITER

Ummm, it’s okay.

MARA

Be honest! We are more than happy to do it. It doesn’t really feel right with the one-way mask thing.

Mara puts on her mask.

WAITER

Ummm, ok, thx, but we’re good -- do you need another minute to decide?

SASHA (pointing to Amy)

No! We’re going to split the arugula salad, the steak, medium, and the carbonara. And I’ll have another merlot.

WAITER

Fabulous choice. Would you like us to split that in the kitchen?

SASHA

Absolutely.

WAITER

Great. Just so you know, there will be a 6 dollar charge to split that.

The waiter turns to Mara -

WAITER

And, for you...?

MARA

The thing is -- they’re not really splitting the food -- they’re sharing it. Isn’t there a difference between splitting and sharing?

WAITER

It’s restaurant policy.

MARA

But they’re not ordering one meal. They’re each ordering one-and-a-half meals. Can’t you guys just round up? Like a gratis covid thing?

SASHA

It's fine! Charge the fee.

MARA

Like, what if we get two for three? Is that two

split fees? Or, just the one split fee for two dishes split into three meals...?

SASHA

But you don't eat steak...

AMY

And we WANT to share!

MARA

Irrelevant...

WAITER (droll)

I'll have to check with the kitchen.

He walks off. The girls stare Mara down.

MARA

What?! It's a valid question!

SASHA

We are happy to support the restaurant.

MARA

But you won’t wear a mask to protect the waiter who has talk to other unmasked people all night?

The waiter returns.

WAITER

It's no extra charge if you'd like to order two for three.

MARA

That's ok. I'll have the branzino.

WAITER

...but that's for two people.

MARA

Yes, I know, but I'm in the mood for fish.

WAITER (exasperated)

So the steak for one, split between you two, and the fish for two, un-split, just for you? Is that right?

SASHA/AMY

I think so?...

MARA

Just curious... shouldn't my branzino for two cancel out the split charge for the steak?

WAITER

...um, we're gonna need this table back by 8 pm.

END SCENE

Recent Posts

Archive

Tags

No tags yet.