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  • Tara R.

DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE UNABLE TO PUBLISH ANY OF YOUR MANUSCRIPT SUB


Dear Mr. President,

Thank you for submitting, once again, to our Publishing House.

Though it is unusual for a publisher to receive such a glut of submissions from one source all at once, we are happy to consider your work. We are by no means medical professionals, but we did just receive an altogether different, delightful submission from an anonymous physician at Walter Reed, entitled The Patient Is Worse Than The Disease. We now understand how short-course Dexamethasone, when mixed with long-term desperation, can certainly stimulate author productivity. Though quite a bit of your text is obscured by smudges of what appears to be french fry grease and what we've identified as L'Oreal Deep Goddess Bronzer, we were indeed able to confer with our hieroglyphics group, and to decipher most of the words, even the made up ones. We are pretty sure we were able to make sense of it all. We think.

Regarding your memoir, WINNING: My Life In Tweets, we appreciate your ability to tell a story in verse that veers so seamlessly between monosyllabic and blathering. It's an impressive debut that reminds us that you can indeed sound drunk even when you don't drink. Yet, we feel like this account would work better at an imprint that's better known for historical fiction. If you are averse to looking at other publishers, would you consider this for our humor list?

Regarding your health book, THEY SAY I'M IMMUNE: How to Feel Perfect, Like Unbelievably Perfect, Like Your Best in 20 Years... , we were hoping this one wasn't overstated. We do appreciate the weight loss angle --- "like a miracle, the pounds will just disappear" -- followed by 40 pages of fill-in-the-blank meal plans. Eat whatever you want! Don't be scared of food! Calories are hoax! And yet, your mass body index doesn't defy science. And so regrettably, it's a pass.

Regarding your picture book, Party of One: Trumpian Tablescapes for the Solo Diner - the conceit is an intriguing one. We agree that there's no shame in dining alone, and that no table is ever too small to make beautiful, but, quite simply, your taste is horrifying.

Lastly, regarding your idea to create a very fine, special edition of MAGA Madlibs, while this is not what we do, nor what anyone needs -- we think it quite improbable that the English language contains any cooked-up or nonsensical adjectives that could hyperbolize the lunacy into which you have already steered the narrative.

Again, Mr. President, we thank you for thinking of us, and wish you the best of luck finding a home for your plentiful work with another publisher.

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