DEAR ONLINE RETAILER….

We need to have a talk about this relationship.

Dear restaurantsuppliesallday.com,

Ha, ha - you got me. Perhaps I shouldn’t have posted that pic of my kids apple picking and called attention to what was just a fun, fall family activity. When your promise of the perfectly-peeled apple popped into my feed at 2 am, I got heady – even though an industrial strength corer that weighs 62 pounds is the last thing my galley kitchen needs. It seems I am keeping it though, as none of my able-bodied doormen are amenable to helping me dispose of it (despite my generous offer to pay in applesauce…). However, I kindly ask you to remove me from your list, and to please stop selling me on more commercial grade equipment. Trust me, I don’t need an electric corn husker, or a meat slicer. So please stop asking if I do. Thank you.

Dear beachywaver.com,

I did google how to get the perfect beachy wave, so maybe I had it coming. Your effortlessly loose curls flooded my feeds and seemed attainable. Your ads made it look so easy to use and lord knows I waste too much money on blowouts. But now my forearms are spotted with third degree burns and my hair looks more Medusan than modern. I appreciate your trying to help, and I will never again lament my bad hair at lunch, just in case you are listening, which it seems you always are. But for now, your silence is golden. Thank you.

Dear princesspeggy.com,

WTF? All I did was give a thumbs-up on a group text when someone said there are no good dresses out there for 13 year-olds! It wasn’t right of you to bombard my inbox with images of 20-year-olds writhing in cut-out dresses. I don’t care if you refer to me as “bestie” or “girly,” I am not interested in buying a 4-dollar dress. Thanks.

Dear trustytrinkets.com,

Listen, I AM NO LONGER INTERESTED in the 4th of July blinking headband with the matching socks. It’s October. GO AWAY. If I had the time to empty all of my online carts, surely, I would have first taken the time to jot down all of my random passwords. I am not completing the purchase! PLEASE MOVE ON. Thx.

Dear lingeriesque.com,

Stop calling me a sexy minx! I BOUGHT ONE BRA! You do not know what I need and you are giving my children anxiety every time they glance at my phone.

Dear mindyourcurves.com,

Okay, so seriously? Are you affiliated with lingeriesque.com? Go to hell. Just because I sized up doesn’t mean you can start sending me alerts about shapewear. It’s rude and presumptuous of you to think that I care one iota about compressing my ass. But, like, how does your stuff run?

Dear justlikecashmere.com,

Jesus H Christ – all I did was THINK TO MYSELF that the hostess was wearing a “cute cardigan.” It was a passing thought, not a call to be pummeled by sponsored ads promising me that a chunky knit will make me look waif-y. Look, I meditate for 8-minutes a morning, but sometimes errant thoughts slip through. Can you please leave me alone?!!

Dear maskex4ever.com,

I’m not sure I even remember ordering from your website, but alas, I just received a box stuffed with 7000 masks, that looks like it was sealed up by a serial killer, from a random address in Shanghai. I don’t even want a refund; I just want to know how you got my name and address and if anyone is on their way to murder me.

Dear justlikecashmere.com,

STOP STALKING ME! Do I need to get a restraining order because I had the thought “cute cardigan?” I do NOT want to shop the new collection. In fact, this piece of crap has been in the return pile for weeks, and if I wasn’t permanently locked out of your email system, it would be halfway back to Bangladesh. If I get another email about must-have necklines, I just might must-have to hang you.

Dear groceriesatJFK.com,

How did you find me?! It was a pack of freaking gum!! We are not in a thing! I do not care that you have travel-size Lysol wipes!

Dear shoesgumandeverythingelse.com,

Look virtual shopper from hell, I think it’s time you up your meds. I mean, just because I bought four pairs of chunky suede booties at 4 am, does NOT mean I want to buy six more! Oh, and I could give a rat’s ass about what other items you think I might like, because I can assure you it is not a maxiskirt, or cinnamon Trident. It’s almost insulting – like do you not know me at all??!