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  • Tara R

I CAN’T FEEL MY TOES WHEN I’M WITH YOU...



Amy, Sasha, and Mara relax in a small igloo/hut in the middle of the concrete jungle.


Amy

This is so cute.


Sasha

So cozy.


Amy

I mean, where has the igloo been hiding all my life?


Cue the sound of heavy plastic curtains being zipped open. In pops the head of a waiter. The women immediately pull up their masks and twist their bodies.


Waiter

Would you like to hear the specials?


Amy, Sasha and Mara (heads turned away)

NO!


The waiter rolls his eyes and retreats to the sound of a body bag zipping.


Mara

Wait!! Can you leave that open?


Waiter

All the way?


Mara

No, like a half zip.


Amy

OMG, it’s freezing out – let him full zip it. It’s just us in here!


Mara

It’s better to have some air flow.


Amy

You’re scared of me? I was just tested!


Mara

Wait, why were you tested?


Amy

Because I felt like it? Don't worry - I do nothing!


Mara

Well…. I mean, you DO have clear botox bruising. So, there’s doing nothing, and then there’s doing nothing.


Amy

Omg, you’re covid AND botox policing me?


Mara

I’m just saying maybe we should have a little air flow, that’s all.


Sasha interjects, diffusing the tension.


Sasha

So, guys. I got a letter.


Amy

Omg! Tell me. He got in?!


Sasha

No, not that kind of letter. A letter letter. From a doctor.


Silence.


Sasha

Turns out I have a rare autoimmune response to flat feet. I’m eligible for the vaccine, thank god. My doctor gave me a note AND is retroactively submitting my 2019 Louboutin receipts to insurance for reimbursement. They’re essential.


Pause.


Amy

Well, it turns out, my therapist -- who I haven’t seen in a year, but we face time -- told me that my blanched pallor and gnawing sense of nonexistence is actually a condition called Cotard’s syndrome, and it’s on the list too.


Mara

Wait, how do I get on the list?


Sasha

You could eat a high carb diet with lots of saturated fat try and try to gain eligibility.


Amy

It’ll never work. She has the metabolism of a 12 year old boy. Isn’t that a condition? Can’t you use that?


There is a sudden roar and crash. The women duck.


Amy

Omg, was that a car crash?


The women glance to the right – and see people rushing out from the sagging roof of the igloo next to them.


Mara

Thank god, no! Just a large chunk of ice falling 20 feet.


The waiter pops his head back in.


Waiter

You ladies ok? We have helmets. Sanitized, of course.


Amy

No helmets, but we should fully zip. It's getting cold.


Mara

I can’t feel my toes.


Amy

Oooh, Mara, that’s a good symptom. That will definitely get you on the list.


Sasha

Skinny bitch.







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