WHAT TYPE OF COVID CRACKPOT ARE YOU?
Umm, hi, quick question. Am I living in a funhouse mirror? Have I entered some sort of DeLorean time warp? Anyone else feeling tripped up and woozy?
I mean, never has the transition from winter break felt so jarring. Last week was last year, but it sort of feels like it was last century. Now, in this lovely season of never having a jacket that’s warm enough, I keep thinking the world can’t get any wackier, and then, of course, it does. As we slowly eek forward, on our last reserves of sanity, perhaps this is the year to embrace all the forms of crazy out there. Love your Jekyll, cherish your Hyde and celebrate all the parts of you that get you through the day.
After all, it’s 2022…so, what type of crackpot has Covid made you?
Covid Shamers: These people will only share their PCRS with their nearest and dearest, and so on and so forth. Covid? It’s the new C-word. Don’t you dare tell a soul.
Covid Posters: Meet the people who let you in on their Corona journey. I am SICK, this is day THREE; I am posting an unflattering picture of myself for the first time in my life.
Covid Podcast Enthusiasts: People who are chomping at the bit to tell you about what they’ve listened to lately.
Covid Laggers: I’m sorry -- What’s a podcast?
Covid Meme-Makers: I don’t know who these creative and talented master of the universe are, but god bless them.
Covid Meme Oversharers: Anyone over 40.
Covid Day Shoppers: These people assess daily productivity based on how many times they’ve been to Duane Reade.
Covid Night Shoppers: These people accept packages like “Huh?! I didn’t order this?!”
Covidsomniacs: These people stay out all day, up all night, but can’t get Covid, no matter how hard they try.
Covid Doom and Gloomers: Does it have the word surge in it? These people will find it.
Covid Serotonin Boosters: This ilk sends copious links to videos that take 8 minutes to download, usually of kittens playing catch.
Covoxymorons: These gutless gems are anti-vaxxers who think there’s a microchip tracker in the Covid-vaccine but spend all day leaving footprints online.
Covid Early Birds: All hail the brave souls who waited in line for 6.5 hours in ungodly temperatures to get their first dose of the vaccine a whole 2.5 weeks before their housekeepers.
Covid Paparazzi: These are usually loved ones who yell at you to remove your mask before they’ll take your picture.
Covid Turtles: These are the people who walk by you on the street and slowly retreat into their mask as they pass.
Covidachievers: These doers air-fry daily, have an organized iCloud, and 700 Fresh Direct bags that are neatly folded and stored.
And lastly, my personal favorite kind of freshly minted, demented humans:
Covidbra Kai-ns: If you told these people in 2020 (or 1984 for that matter) that they would spend the next two years watching 40 hours of Ralph Macchio donning a Gi, they never would have believed you. But believers they now are. Ais!!