MOM’S STAY AT HOME VACATION ITINERARY, AS PLANNED BY HER LOVING KIDS

Hey, mom. We see you are holiday dreaming, again. We see you, sitting slumped at the unspecified kitchen desk, lost in thought of greener pastures and fantasies involving tropical drinks with floaty umbrellas by a pool…

But, mom, let’s focus on the here and now. Winter recess is afoot! We know how much you value structure, so we’ve taken the liberty of creating a daily itinerary, just for you. It will be epic, mom! In fact, it might just be your best break yet. (Mom, you’re gonna need you to look away from the screen, put down your panic-bought, red plastic solo cup and listen…)

Wake Up Call: Okay, while we don’t provide this service, we’re pretty confident that, on your vacation plan, you won’t need it. You’re almost guaranteed to be wide-awake at 5 am, fresh from the elusive slumber that follows 10 hours of binging Watchmen. Your Netflix-induced jet lag might make you feel all Emily in Paris, but dad’s hissing CPAP will hint otherwise. We suggest sipping a nice café au lait from the comfort of your quaint-but-will-be-renovated-soon kitchen. (It’ll happen, mom!!) C’est la vie!

Breakfast Buffet: Who needs a grand all-you-can-eat, cafeteria-style meal when you can have your very own home-cooked smorgasbord? No more harried bowls of cereal for you; after all, this is vacation! Let the orange juice flow! (Fresh squeezed, but no bits, please!!) We’ll gladly provide you with our omelette requests before we go to bed, but can they be ready whenever it is that we respectively wake up? Thanks so much, mom. Breakfast is served!

Morning Fitness: Mom, please take your time here. We promise we won’t interrupt any of your six different five-minute Peleton classes. We encourage you to keep looking for an instructor who doesn’t either annoy you, or make you cry. (Can you just lower the volume a bit?! Some of us are still trying to sleep!!) Congrats – you totaled 30 minutes!

Outdoor Exploration: Leave no stone unturned in our wide, two-car gravel driveway! Or gear up and take a tour of our extraordinarily wet and leafy backyard. (What’s up with that, mom?!) If you choose to go off-property, we’re happy to escort you to the local bare, but still picturesque, park! (It’ll be fine, mom, just stay away from the guy they call Dry Eye…) Don’t forget to put sunscreen on that itsy-bitsy spot of exposed skin between the circles under your eyes and your furrowed brow. The sun can be strong!

Lunch. Feeling hungry? Up for a creative challenge? Now is the time to let your culinary freak flag fly, and whip up some newfangled dishes with whatever’s lying around. (Remember Nutella frittatas? Instant classic!) Feel free to serve fish sticks with mashed avocado. Who knows? Meatloaf quesadilla might catch on! Vacation is all about trying new things! Your kitchen awaits, mom.

Spa Appointment. Ahhh, it’s time to unwind and nourish your soul. You matter, mom! Treat yourself to the leftover avocado from our discarded lunches, and slather it all over your face. Find a quiet place in our relaxation room, aka, the closet, close your eyes and take a deep breath. (Mom, is there a reason you can’t smell that rancid guacamole on your face? Mom, are you okay?!)

Afternoon of Leisure: You can now retire to our exclusive, well-appointed library where you’ll savor the quiet while trying to ignore the sprawled stack of books across the carpet and cat litter. (Sorry, mom!) Dad will happily offer to make you tea, and to light a fire, if you just tell him to. Sit back with your feet propped up on the plushest ottoman that hasn’t been sullied by the sneakers we wore in the backyard. (Sorry, again!! But what’s up with that?!) Lose yourself in three pages of a juicy novella, until you sense that dad is still idle. You can remind him about the tea and the untouched logs, but, mom, maybe lose the edge in your voice.

Dressing for Dinner: Your resort collection is on fire this year! Literally. (Promise us you’ll never attempt to take pyrotechnic matters into your own hands again!) Toss the charred sweatshirt in the housekeeping pile (don’t worry, mom – you’ll get to that later…), then throw on a clean, cute pajama top from the stuff that you just dragged upstairs. But mom, still try to coordinate. Just because the matching-sweatsuit dream went up in flames, you always say it's good to look nice on vacation. We might take family pics!

Supper: Yes!! It’s time to eat, again. Thank god you know the chef!