SOCIAL MEDIA MADNESS: The Infinite Scroll

It's official; you can now scroll from here to eternity! It may have all begun with an inspired genius coding alone in his Harvard dorm, but the ripple effect is in full force. In fact, social media has become so diffuse that it has inspired the rest of us to become, well, how can I say this nicely, washed-up morons with peanuts-for-brains and the attention spans of fleas.

Not you, of course! Or your kids. No, no, no. Just everyone else in the world, who literally can’t sit with their own thoughts for more than 2.5 seconds before being overcome with the need to see what everyone else in the world is doing/thinking/saying. Yes, we are back “in-person,” but so is the oxymoron that is online socializing. Let's face it, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't, so you might as well do:

FACEBOOK -- Looking for a good fight? For the most verbally aggressive action, head on over to the OG of online discourse. Facebook is FULL of nasty arguments between people who supposedly know and like each other. But watch out -- when the head of the Young Republicans Association from your alma mater posts about the election, it’s likely to release some nasty chakras from the girl who opened a Vinyasa practice called Abundance. This isn’t trolling. This is civilized people (and some blood relatives) eviscerating one another for having an opinion.

CITIZEN -- Feeling bad about how the inner-introvert you cultivated during the Pandemic seems to have taken up permanent residence in your soul? Well, don’t. Just enable your Citizen App notifications -- and you can see what kind of a fiery hell storm actually awaits you out there. Even if it’s all fake, within four seconds of a Citizen alert, there are 4,842 people who have something brilliant to say about it.

INSTAGRAM -- Oh Instagram, the shiny girl of the social media posse who, like the sun, is impossible to ignore but makes your eyes bleed. Weren’t you just perfectly happy on your sofa feasting on snacks and shows about white collar crime? Um, maybe… until you made the anything-but-rookie move of opening the 'Gram where 46 different ‘BEST NIGHT EVER’s were happening.

TIK TOK -- The app in which everything in life can be distilled into a three-step tutorial on speed. Dances, pranks, recipes and other homespun ideas are spit out so effin fast that you wonder if maybe there’s something wrong with your brain. That doesn’t mean you won’t try making the 4 ingredient MOST INSANE COOKIE CRUMBLE CUPS EVER with little more than a microwave and a prayer. Got a problem? Tik tok has got the answer; it’s Wikipedia, for the impulsive.

TWITTER -- The most news-y of the platforms, where those with large egos can proclaim and pontificate. Populated by journalists, celebrities, cerebrals and cretins alike, it's the penultimate rabbit hole; a cocktail of information with a splash of smackdown drama. On Twitter, you will find next-level brilliance and otherworldly stupidity in the same infinite swipe up. But guess what's always trending on Twitter?? Twitter.

REELS -- Personal favorite of the social media feeds. Who knew this many people were both comedians and technological savants? Reels makes every other app look as dated as an answering machine. Yes, there’s a lot of fluff, and one too many people spewing canned affirmations, but there is also so much genuine hilarity. Funny is the future!

VENMO -- Surely the most frustrating of the apps, where you have the least number of friends though it seems like you are always paying someone. This one is more about wasting money than time, though a good scroll every now and again will have you wondering if maybe the other kids have more tutors than yours, or that it’s time to get a trainer. Also highly annoying is the inability to NOT have a cornucopia of GIFs pop up when all you want to do is write the word “thanks.”

SNAPCHAT -- I’m over 40 so I’m not versed to talk about this, but I know it’s pure evil, and that it has taken points off my daughter’s future ACT score.