TAYLOR SWIFT SUPPORT GROUPS
For moms: We hear you -- there is only one thing on your child's Holiday list this year and it's this: T-Swift or bust. We want to help! We wish this support group could occur in person, but that would require too many people leaving their spot in the queue, so instead this meeting will occur on Zoom, but ONLY for those who got presale approval, and who have no less than THREE devices going with strong signals at all times. On Zoom, you can expect to hear helpful things that you can tell your hysterical child who has called you 16 times from school (and sent 42 hate texts) decreeing that it's all your fault, you messed everything up, she's going to miss the only concert she ever cared about, and, oh, she skipped 4 classes today in mourning: 1) Maybe your dad will agree to finally get a dog! 2) She'll do another concert in 5 years! 3) Score! There are Billy Joel tickets available! If she screams and threatens to run away, don't worry. Even if she doesn't go to college, it doesn't mean she won't get an honorary degree and write a sick commencement speech.
For teenagers: We feel you. We know you are frustrated. We are well aware that you take advanced algebra, and can compute complicated equations such as the square root of 123,876. Truth is, maybe we should have left this to you. You could have figured out the simplest way for 160 million hyperventilating women and children to buy 2.8 million tickets in the same 120 minutes, or at the very least, deemed it inscrutable and pivoted. But, alas, we cannot. Trial and error is all we know. We CAN, however, offer support and tell you that without Tay Tay tickets, we know some days may seem dark and hopeless. But don't give up! In fact, we. are offering a hotline for mental health support as you navigate this incredibly frustrating process of procuring tickets. Due to heavy call volume, you may be placed in a queue, but rest assured, we are there to support you, and should be on the line in between 23 minutes to 248 hours. Your sanity is important to us, but if we can't get to you, think of this as an experience to grow. You can write a song about it some day!
For little girls: Hi mini-Swifties! Taylor knows you're the wave of her musical future and she SO appreciates your loyalty! But, the truth is, sometimes, in life, things don't work out. You've heard of Champagne Problems. Taylor feels your pain, and she'll probably write a song about it soon, maybe even before your mom gets out of the queue. Taylor too was once just a young child pining to see herself in a big stadium, and that didn't happen until she was 19, so sometimes you just need to wait it out! Maybe, with your downtime, while you can't hear yourself think because your mom and sisters are screaming obscenities in frustration and tying up the wi-fi, you could go down to the basement and write some tunes? It doesn't have to be a masterpiece, since you're probably hungry, but neglect is a great feeling for source material! If Taylor could break in at 11, there's hope for you too!