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  • Tara R


Ah, Tom Brady. Impressive, right? GOAT, legend, spiritualist, husband, dad. But, he’s not the only one with a meticulous daily regimen to keep in fighting shape.

After all, everyone knows the real MVPs of this crazy season are the moms.

We, too, have a regimen to make the magic happen.

And it goes a little something like this:

7:00 am- 10:00 pm. Dress, groom, work, walk, cook, clean, care, bleach, pluck, shuffle, spin, schedule, homeschool, homework, help, listen, support, discipline, plan…

10:50 pm. Let your eyelids droop as you wrap up another episode of FLACK. Honor your body. Lights out! What must be 12 hours later... Arouse from a rock-solid slumber, astonished that every fiber in your being hums afresh. Glance at the clock to reveal it’s: 2:31 am. Muffle your internal scream as your mood goes from giddy to god-damnit in the span of a nanosecond. 2:35 am. Pee. 2:40 am. Do not look at your phone, do not look at your phone, do not loo... 2:41 am. Respond to a group text from 11 pm.

2:42 am. Immediately receive texts back from 3 of the 5 people on the group text. Feel seen. 3:00 am. Pee. 3:02 am. Snack. Something healthy, like 8 handfuls of granola. Freeze up like a caught burglar at the sound of the plastic, cereal bag crinkling.

3:04 am Shake off the few fallen clusters that have lodged into the soles of your bare feet. Clean in the morning, when you put the lights on.

3:25 am. Groceries ordered!!!

3:30 am. Scrutinize a cute top on Revolve that is 70% off, with all sizes left, and wonder whhhhhy…

3:32 am. Tinkle time, again!! But, is it? Nothing’s happening. 3:35 am. Glance over at your husband who’s sleeping so soundly that you can barely see the rise and fall of his chest. Stare. Panic. Wonder.

3:36 am. Consider a quick, hard nudge. But then, play nice as you recall him valiantly attempting sit-ups during the halftime show. It’s been a tough week to be a middle-age white guy who isn’t Tom Brady. Sleep, baby, sleep. 3:45 am. Aaaaaaalmost drift back to slumber, secure in the knowledge that you can doze till 6:45 am. I mean, WHO RULES THE WORLD? Women who sleep from 3-6 am., that’s who.... 3:46 am. Remember that you forgot to ...... (insert verb, adjective, noun, repeat.) 3:50 am. Get up to pee, but suddenly forget how to do so. Try to relax and not over think it.

3:55 am. Chug a bottle of water.

4:00 am. Regret chugging a bottle of water.

4:30 am. Pee. Sweet relief, you remember how.

4:50 am. Driffffft back to sleep, confident that there are 90 minutes of solid zzzzzzzs headed your way.

6:15 am. Up and at ‘em. Slay, mom, slay…


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