THIS IS HALLOWEEN...

It’s here! That chill in the air, the decorated townhouses, the 22 dollar pumpkin-shaped cookies from ELI'S! Excited? Well, just because you don’t believe in ghosts doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be afraid, very afraid. As a parent, Halloween has got to be one of the most effed up holidays out there. Can you say all the work and none of the glory? For starters, there's the costume indecision, ordering, returning and reordering, at least two times...multiplied by the number of children and pets in your house. Then there’s the fun "who's being what with who" drama, followed by chosen costumes so poofy they're a walking accident, and get-ups so minuscule, you may have an aneurysm before your child leaves the house. Then finally, there's the roaming the city streets -- at night -- amongst throngs of caped and masked revelers who might be having innocent fun, or might be bloodthirsty psychotic deviants. Um, kinda hard to tell!! Oh, and that's all before the children with the highest rate of anxiety since the birth of mankind get so hopped up on sugar that even you, cool mom, start to worry that maybe those weren't really smarties they were shoveling in by the fistful, and start frantically searching your group texts for that article about rainbow drugs. Ok, I’ll chill. I know, I know... it's not that bad. The kids will be fine, and they will have fun!! Who doesn't love being creative and dressing up? I mean, it’s sheer joy for everyone … especially the local Amazon delivery guy who just dropped off a humungous brown package that contained a single, tiny, gold-flecked barrette. I’m sorry, did I say barrette? What I meant to say was THE single most essential piece of my daughter’s costume that if it doesn’t come in time will make me, and I quote, “the worst mother in the world.” (Earth Day isn't until April, right? For now, we celebrate!) And then lastly, there’s the candy, oh, that candy! A little jawbreaker never hurt anybody, except maybe half the people with Invisilign on the Upper East Side. I mean, are you so weak that you're going to let a little Halloween candy ruin your six-day Pilates streak? I'm not. I don’t spiral like that. I don't see a mini Take-Five bar and think I’ll just eat half, and then swear off dinner, and then scamper on to Walgreens for the off-brand, last-man-standing peppermint patties, because, like, where did all of our candy go and I could've sworn I bought more?! But don’t be like me. Indulge! It's just a little sugar, and you deserve a boost – after all, the kids will never, ever sleep again once they see that creep in the Smile mask just sitting there on the corner of 91st and Lex.

But first, take LOTS of pics, a few deep breathes... and Happy Halloween!