10 THINGS MISSING FROM MY LIFE THIS WEEK

1. The forethought to not eat the frozen yogurt I had for lunch, in an attempt to be coy, because the bag of pretzels, go-go squeeze and leftover Halloween candy I almost cruelly binged on one hour later would make my sugar crash SO much worse...

2. A shred of a clue as to which socks belong to which kid when attempting to put away their laundry.

3. An umbrella small enough to stash in my bag, but that could withstand a gust of wind equal to the force of a five year old blowing out his birthday candles, without threatening to blind me in the process.

4. The intelligence to not wear the point-toe booties that I swore I’d never wear again, the ones that pinch my bunion in such a way that every other step feels like a sharp jolt of electrical current is shooting up from the sidewalk.

5. An eject seat in the taxi, so that I could be far, far away when the pedal-happy cabbie suddenly cut off the delivery truck on Lexington, and a cross-hail of pleasantries ensued.

6. The wherewithal to refrain from decreeing my loving husband an insufferable cretin when he asked me AGAIN how to use the Keurig.

7. A collected presence and steely nerve when it came time to turn my daughter’s

palate expander, thereby refraining from cringing lest I crack her jaw in two.

8. Shoulders on the cute cold-shoulder sweater I impulse-bought on a warm afternoon three weeks ago. Or for it to be night-time so the look is chic and evening, and not daytime and moronic.

9. The better sense NOT to tell my kids we could watch just the first ten

minutes of the Will Ferrell/Mark Wahlberg classic DADDY’S HOME, because I will never, ever have the willpower to turn it off despite the fact that its crept an hour past their bedtime.

10. Six stars for the uber driver who could have justifiably kicked out my loud, fitful kids and filed a report for the destruction of property as they went mano-a-mano with the seat belts, but instead mercifully lowered a video screen showing the movie SING!