INSTA OLYMPICS

iPhone charged? Hashtag ready? Let the Spring Break Competitive Instagram-ing begin.

The Ski Vacation:

What you’re seeing:

Not since PyeongChang will you be witness to such a fierce glut of flush-faced, brightly-garbed mountaintop selfies. Perhaps you’re a “ski family” (at least for that one run, anyway…), maybe you’re hugging your hubby with a fervent adrenaline rush you haven’t felt since your honeymoon, maybe you’re Go-Pro-ing your toddler as they recklessly careen down the hill while you’re screaming ”PIZZA!!!” Whatever your fancy, it’s the one time of year that even the most gun-shy or seasonal of posters will let their freak flag fly, so to speak. Must be that mountain air!

What you’re not seeing:

The schlep. Until you’ve trailed your kids as they lumber up steps in slick ski boots while you balance their icy poles, wet castoff items of clothing, and your slipped lumbar disc, you’ve never experienced the true reason that G-d created apres-ski.

The F-ck it-We-Need-Sun Vacation:

What you’re seeing:

Pictures of people shoving it in everyone’s face that they got this one right. People so relaxed that they can’t even get up to take a picture; I mean, why be vertical? You happy mo-fo’s at Cloud Nine can’t feel your toes at the end of the day, but feel free to look at mine. Don’t they look nice against the backdrop of the the white sand, the turquoise ocean, and my swirly pink daiquiri?

What you’re not seeing:

Sunburns, jellyfish, bad internet service and boredom. Pool evacuations because some dolt doesn't know how to close a swim diaper.

The We-Flew-24-Hours-To-Get Here Vacation

What you’ll see:

Posts starting a day before school even lets out. We have a lot of travel time, people, and you’re not learning much the Friday before break anyway. Luggage and airplane pics to show that the journey has begun and you’re really doing this!! Whether Marrakesh or Malaysia, these posts will be filled with worldly kids using all five of their senses. They are touring ancient ruins, or shaking hands with a rare orangutan. They’re trying new foods and enjoying unique experiences coming soon to an IMAX near you. This is good parenting. This is valuable exposure. This is material for a college essay.

What you won’t see:

Meltdowns, diarrhea, not letting your kids 5 feet out of your sight.

The LA Vacation

What you’ll see:

#happyinlalaland. #wearemovinghere Pictures of the palmiest of palm trees and the bluest of blue skies, and happy people who weren’t just yelled at by their Uber driver. Candids of people at Craig’s attempting to make a photobomb out of Kylie Jenner.

What you won’t see:

Fishing your kids out of the fountain at the Grove. Westwood.

The Stay-Cation

What you’ll see:

Nothing for a few days, as it takes a good 72 hours post-surgery for the swelling and bruising to subside. Then, lots of Broadway you haven't had time to see or meals you haven't had time to eat in the city that you actually live in. A few tourist attractions until you realize that you don't want to be around people who would choose to be tourists in NYC.

What you won’t see:

The kids’ third straight day watching Zombies, the green hair-dye you ordered to shut them up, and the selfie you took with the guy who delivered your 6th straight day of Pinkberry.