LOG CABIN LETTERS AND OTHER DISPATCHES FROM CAMP

Fellow parents, congrats! You are four weeks in! You haven’t gotten in the car and hightailed it to camp, nor have you checked yourself into rehab; it’s a win-win! BUT… HAVE YOU GOTTEN ANY CAMP MAIL? If not, count your blessings. There is no greater mindf-ck than the long-awaited camp letter. They take various shapes, sizes and forms, but they all deliver a small roller coaster of emotions, and a crash course in mental manipulation. The penmanship may change, but the paradigm remains. And it goes a little something like this:

THE CASUAL-BEARER-OF-BAD-NEWS

Dear Mom and Dad,

Today it was 93 degrees and we went on a hike. I was buddied with the new kid, Asher, who got kicked out of that camp in the Berkshires. I forgot my sneakers. We peed in the woods, and we were attacked by a bear (but it was really Asher – HA!) so I ran into the forest, but it was dark and I hit a tree. I was only unconscious for like 7 mins and I have even less than that stitches. They gave me antibiotics (am I allergic to peninsulas? We go to Boca West, so I said no…) Then we stopped at Diary Queen! But the machine broke when Asher got Thin Mints AND Brownie Batter in his Blizzard, so I just had a fistful of sprinkles. I didn’t make the swim team. I have a rash.

Please send food.

Your son, Benji

THE FAKE-OUT

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

Camp is great! I have the BEST bunk and my counselor was a camper here for 10 years! She’s SOOOO nice and brought us all sticker beans. We had a dance party in the cabin. We share a porch with the other best bunk! But now, it is later (and you can tell because I am using a different pen), and I hate camp. If you loved me at all, you would already be driving to get me. I just cried for two hours and some girl from Syosset stole my sticker beans. I am waiting for you.

Your abandoned child, Elsa

THE TIME-TO-CHECK-IN-WITH-THE-FEELINGS-DOCTOR

Dear mom,

I’m not sleeping well. I hate everyone. There’s a really mean kid in my bunk. Please send duck (?) tape ASAP. Oh, and Fruit Stripe.

Love, Noah

p.s. do we know any good lawyers? Asking for a friend – not that I have any.

THE REMINDER-YOU-SUCK-AT-PACKING

Dear mom,

I need: cute sweatpants, athletic tanks that fit, an apron, tap shoes, something called preparation H, a salad spinner, fluffy slime, and the bible. By tomorrow pleeeeeease!!!

By the way, camp is boring.

Xo, Casey

THE DON’T-TELL-MOM

Dear Grandma,

Don’t tell mom but I haven’t showered since camp started. Yesterday I choked on a corn chip at lunch but PHEW, I got the himelick from the not-creepy counselor!

Tell mom I need soap, so she thinks I’ve been showering A LOT. I love and miss you, maybe more than mom.

Your favorite grandson, Billy

THE GTG

Dear m & d,

I had an opening in my schedule so I’m writing you a let—oh sh-t, gtg. Byeeeeeeeee!

From, me

THE IT-COULD-BE-WORSE

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am in the infirmary. But don’t worry, I am fine! Yesterday 7 girls in my bunk threw up so they put me here because I am safer. It’s ok because there’s AC and a TV. The girl next to me has strep, but it's probably a false positive. I should go check on her.

Love, Penelope

THE PLEASE-FIX-THIS

Dear mom and dad,

Yesterday was breakout and I am on the green team with Zoe R, Sarah, and Ella. Penelope, Piper, and Zoe C. are all on blue. I would rather be on blue because I really like Zoe C. better than Zoe R.-- AND we are both Geminis! Can you please call camp and have them switch me to blue? I promise I won’t ask for anything else if you just get me on the blue team! Also, please send blue stuff.

XOXO, Molly