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  • Tara R


Fellow parents, congrats! You are four weeks in! You haven’t gotten in the car and hightailed it to camp, nor have you checked yourself into rehab; it’s a win-win! BUT… HAVE YOU GOTTEN ANY CAMP MAIL? If not, count your blessings. There is no greater mindf-ck than the long-awaited camp letter. They take various shapes, sizes and forms, but they all deliver a small roller coaster of emotions, and a crash course in mental manipulation. The penmanship may change, but the paradigm remains. And it goes a little something like this:


Dear Mom and Dad,

Today it was 93 degrees and we went on a hike. I was buddied with the new kid, Asher, who got kicked out of that camp in the Berkshires. I forgot my sneakers. We peed in the woods, and we were attacked by a bear (but it was really Asher – HA!) so I ran into the forest, but it was dark and I hit a tree. I was only unconscious for like 7 mins and I have even less than that stitches. They gave me antibiotics (am I allergic to peninsulas? We go to Boca West, so I said no…) Then we stopped at Diary Queen! But the machine broke when Asher got Thin Mints AND Brownie Batter in his Blizzard, so I just had a fistful of sprinkles. I didn’t make the swim team. I have a rash.

Please send food.

Your son, Benji


Dear Mommy and Daddy,

Camp is great! I have the BEST bunk and my counselor was a camper here for 10 years! She’s SOOOO nice and brought us all sticker beans. We had a dance party in the cabin. We share a porch with the other best bunk! But now, it is later (and you can tell because I am using a different pen), and I hate camp. If you loved me at all, you would already be driving to get me. I just cried for two hours and some girl from Syosset stole my sticker beans. I am waiting for you.

Your abandoned child, Elsa


Dear mom,

I’m not sleeping well. I hate everyone. There’s a really mean kid in my bunk. Please send duck (?) tape ASAP. Oh, and Fruit Stripe.

Love, Noah

p.s. do we know any good lawyers? Asking for a friend – not that I have any.


Dear mom,

I need: cute sweatpants, athletic tanks that fit, an apron, tap shoes, something called preparation H, a salad spinner, fluffy slime, and the bible. By tomorrow pleeeeeease!!!

By the way, camp is boring.

Xo, Casey


Dear Grandma,

Don’t tell mom but I haven’t showered since camp started. Yesterday I choked on a corn chip at lunch but PHEW, I got the himelick from the not-creepy counselor!

Tell mom I need soap, so she thinks I’ve been showering A LOT. I love and miss you, maybe more than mom.

Your favorite grandson, Billy


Dear m & d,

I had an opening in my schedule so I’m writing you a let—oh sh-t, gtg. Byeeeeeeeee!

From, me


Dear Mom and Dad,

I am in the infirmary. But don’t worry, I am fine! Yesterday 7 girls in my bunk threw up so they put me here because I am safer. It’s ok because there’s AC and a TV. The girl next to me has strep, but it's probably a false positive. I should go check on her.

Love, Penelope


Dear mom and dad,

Yesterday was breakout and I am on the green team with Zoe R, Sarah, and Ella. Penelope, Piper, and Zoe C. are all on blue. I would rather be on blue because I really like Zoe C. better than Zoe R.-- AND we are both Geminis! Can you please call camp and have them switch me to blue? I promise I won’t ask for anything else if you just get me on the blue team! Also, please send blue stuff.

XOXO, Molly


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